The Query #2

The Query

Issue 2 (June 2020)

Here is a round-up of my searches for the past month:

What should I do if my girlfriend disagrees with me? 🔍

Background: There was this small fight between a guy and his female friend about which direction a place is at. Looking at this, I wondered, if a girl asked multiple choice questions and disagreed with my choice, what should I do to avoid falling out with her, yet settle on an outcome that is acceptable by the both of us?

>>> RESULTS >>>

Medium: 5 Things to Do When You and Your Partner Just Can’t Agree 

This article is written from a female's point of view.

1. Express gratitude.
   Why? Remind him that we have agreed on things before and are on the same team. This allows you to approach your new difference in opinion from a place of unity.
   
   
2. Give him space.
   Why? For some, it’s tough to embrace a “team-player” mentality following a disagreement. The disagreement, after all, resulted from the fact that you are unique individuals. Realize the space you’re giving him is space you’re giving yourself. Use it to think about what you’ll do if his initial position doesn’t change.
   
   
3. Re-evaluate the strength of your preference.
   Why? If each other's preferences were so strong that no compromises could be made, it may be time to part ways. It does not make sense for the couple to be together anymore.
   
   
4. Stick to your guns.
   Why? Everyone's identity is based on their own core values. Resentment would only follow if one were to give up their core value in favour for another's.
   
   
5. Act with grace.
   Why? Your partner's position is important to himself too, and should not be undermined. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Don’t lash out. Don’t say things that will undermine the relationship you shared up until this point.

I have problems finding an answer that is written by a male, but I have fortunately come across something that is more neutral, and elucidates the problem of what kind of things couples would find difficulties agreeing on.

Becoming Minimalist: How to Communicate With Your Partner When You Disagree

Do note that this post I am sharing is for married couples who are with each other for a long period of time, but we can learn a thing or two about how to defuse relationship conflicts from this article.

On marital conflicts

John Gottman, one of the leaders in the field of marriage research, has discovered that the majority of marital conflicts are perpetual. They’re continual and repeated. In fact, 69% of all marital problems fall into this category.

There are many areas in a marriage where you’re simply not going to agree. Here are a few:

• One of you wants to have children (or X number of kids), while the other says they’re not ready, or are happy with the current number of kids.
• One of you wants sex far more frequently than the other.
• You want to raise your children Baptist, while your spouse wants them to be raised Catholic.
• Your spouse is lax about housework and rarely does his or her share until you nag, igniting anger.
• One of you is a saver with money and the other is a spender.
• Or one of you wants to work towards a more simple and minimalist type of life and the other doesn’t.

How to communicate with your partner if both of you do not see eye to eye?

1. Respect - this is the important thing that allows you to like each other
   Useful note: “Respect is defined as not trying directly or indirectly to change anyone.” -Thomas Fogarty
   
   
2. Clearly define yourself - doing so means you have a deeper awareness and understanding of your beliefs, wants, needs and desires
   My opinion: the website does not give a clear reason for this, but I think that in a marriage, taking care of your own needs is as important as taking care of your partner. Marriage and love is a two-way thing, and for couples to grow with each other, one needs to have a good understanding of oneself.
   
   
3. Understand the idea of over-functioning and under-functioning - these are positions that we occupy in response to how we do life. None of us is all one way all the time. We over-function in some areas of life and under-function in others. This is determined by what’s important to you and what you value.
   Useful note: by understanding this, you will have more constructive discussions with your partner.
   
   
4. Live by what you hold dear - it means that you can live according to your own integrity and values.
   Useful note: getting into a relationship does not mean you have to lose your own individuality. Couples do not need to be in sync with each other all the time, I think that is more like a scripted act instead of a real relationship.

>>> MY TAKE >>>

Basically, what I will do is to ensure the respect is there and allow my partner to have space to share her thoughts on the subject of disagreement. I will seek with her to find out the solution that best fulfills our needs (with some compromises here and there). However, if the argument is on something trivial like our preferences, I will try my best to understand her position but I will not feel obliged to change my mind.

The interesting thing about this topic is that it is more common than we think, and is not just about marital conflicts, these tips apply for all relationships we have. I will recommend Episodes 10-12 of Sakurasou no Pet Kanojo for some inspiration on how to resolve these relationship conflicts (many of these are caused by misunderstandings).

What are the effects/symptoms of sleep deprivation? 🔍

Background: I tried to have no sleep at all for more than 24 hours on the job. I found out that I had develop sore throat and reddened eyes so I was concerned whether these were caused by the lack of sleep. Understanding the symptoms, together with the short-term and long-term effects of sleep deprivation is important because we will know when we need more time to sleep.

>>> RESULTS >>>

NHS: What happens if I don't sleep?

An occasional night without sleep makes you feel tired and irritable the next day, but it won't harm your health.

After several sleepless nights, the mental effects become more serious. Your brain will fog, making it difficult to concentrate and make decisions. You'll start to feel down, and may fall asleep during the day. Your risk of injury and accidents at home, work and on the road also increases.

 Johns Hopkins Medicine: The effects of sleep deprivation

Check out their infographic (the effect highlighted is obesity): https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/-/media/files/health/infographic_sleepdeprivation.ashx?la=en&hash=BFEC7405D1A13CA192186C797152F475D917A116 

>>> FOR ME? >>>

So, how about my sore throat and reddened tongue?

For the sore throat, it could be due to a small cold I get from having a lowered immunity when I sleep (inferred from the various effects I have searched up. It is a reasonable explanation - though I do not know for sure - since there are many types of colds and many have mild symptoms such as blocked nose. Not having fever does not necessarily mean your body is well)

As for the reddened tongue, it could be due to a lack of saliva contributing to dry mouth, since it could not be caused by any disease for there was not any red lights in my last medical checkup. More information here: https://www.colgate.com/en-us/oral-health/conditions/dry-mouth/dry-mouth-at-night-how-to-relieve-dry-mouth-discomfort-0913 There is no link between dry mouth and sleep deprivation found, so I should not be too worried about that.

But the moral of the story is clear - from ageing brains to ageing skins, a lack of sleep is detrimental to our health. As such, I must get more sleep, and aim to sleep for at least 7 hours every night.

The Query #1

ISSUE NO. 1 - 3 searches made

  

What is "The Query"?

It is a new series of posts about the Google searches I make in my every day life to help me make better decisions and to overcome difficulties. There are many tips to be gained from just a search. I will collect the results of these searches so that it will be convenient to access them in future when I (or any of the readers) am met with a similar problem.

DISCLAIMER: There is no warranty about the completeness, accuracy and reliability for the information provided, since they are results yielded from Google searches. Any action you take upon the information on this website is strictly at your own risk, and no liability will be accepted for any losses and damages in connection with the use of this website.

① SEARCHED: How to enjoy doing things I dislike?


Lifehack: How to Enjoy What You Are Doing No Matter What
The ability to do well on things you don’t like is essential for success. It makes you perform consistently well no matter what. Such consistent performance will make you stand out among your peers. Here are some tips to do that:

1. Look at the long-term benefit
2. Find what you can learn from it. If you really can’t find any, at least the experience teaches you to be persistent in any situation. That’s a valuable lesson in itself.
3. Think of doing it for someone you love
4. Enjoy the interaction with the people
5. Think and say something positive
6. Gather with passionate people. Their passion would be contagious. They will give you the energy to stay positive and even enjoy what you are doing.

Medium: How to Enjoy what you Hate to do
Change your have-to-s to get-to-s by:

1. Framing the situation differently (see it as a game, a way of improving yourself, etc.)
2. Project forward and think of the reason for doing this
3. Relate to other realities. Someone out there may be having it worse than you, so do not complain

Additional points from WikiHow: How to Do Something You Don't Like

• Don't be too harsh on yourself. Of course, try to see where you can improve, but excessively high standards are just counterproductive. 
• Reward yourself
• Let it all out - release your stress and emotions
• Finding enjoyment - can play music and move according to the beat.

② SEARCHED: How to adjust to new environments?

Huffington Post: 10 Tips for Adjusting to New Surroundings

1. Research on the environment - the place, the people, its values, etc.
2. Personal branding. Decide what three qualities you want to be known for.
3. Be polite to everyone. The courtesy you show will pay you back with rich rewards.
4. Ask for tips if no one is going to bring you around the place. Others may be uncertain about you or have forgotten what it felt like to be new in the place. A little reminder you do not know the way around can elicit warmth and support.
5. Listen for opportunities to connect and share the relevant information about yourself to build rapport with others.
6. Do not take anything personally for the first few weeks. People do not know you well enough to dislike you, so give them the benefit of the doubt.
7. If someone said something that is too insensitive to ignore, speak up to show your concern. But it is wise to keep cool and give others the benefit of the doubt, since you might have made the same mistake.
8. Try to speak at the same volume as those in your new environment. Studies show that people respond best to others who speak at the same volume as themselves.
9. Get out and explore the place. Once you know the environment better, you will be more comfortable with it.
10. Adjusting to a new environment can be stressful, so take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest, eat well and exercise. 

Youth Time: Adapting to New Surroundings: Psychologist Tips and Stories of Three Students

1. Stay positive. A new environment can give expose you to new cultures, which help you to be more flexible.
2. Prepare yourself and be a ready for a shock, since the new environment can be drastically different from what you are comfortable with.
3. Change some of your habits, and try to see it as an interesting experience.
4. Do not expect too much.
5. Do not be in a hurry, as adjustment takes some time.
6. Follow your individual way of adjustment. Try to do again what helped you to adapt to a new situation more easily.
7. Have someone next to you and surround yourself with new people. You will be able to learn more about the new environment and get used to it more quickly. 
8. Do not think about your home and compare between that and your new environment. That is not going to help you with your adjustment.
9. Be yourself, then you can venture out of your comfort zone and not be afraid of new things.

③ SEARCHED: Tips to speed up recovery from sores and injuries.

Mueller Sports Medicine: 10 Useful Techniques to Heal Your Sports Injury Faster

1. Get more sleep
2. Eat more protein
3. Green tea ointment
4. Hydration
5. Staged injury protection and braces
6. Do moderate amount of light cardio throughout the week. Simply getting your blood pumping with the intensity-equivalent of a brisk walk can boost your immune system and reduce inflammation throughout the body.
7. Maintain skin moisture
8. Temperature - If your injury is swelling, make sure to treat it with ice or cold packs for 10-30 minutes about every two hours combined with compression and elevation. This will reduce swelling and pain at the same time. Once the swelling stops, treat with heat. This will promote blood flow, faster healing, and help the internal tissue to relax during the healing process.
9. Do everything you can to stay loose and properly stretched while you heal.
10. Leave it alone

Active: 17 Proven Ways to Speed Muscle Recovery (points that overlap with the above will be omitted)

• Listen to relaxing tunes can aid in exercise recovery. Slow-tempo songs can lower blood pressure and heart rate more quickly after exercise.
• Drink chocolate milk for the protein and carbohydrates
• Try tart cherry juice. 
• Cut back on the alcohol
• Foam-rolling to prevent knots and muscle imbalance
• Get a massage to remove scar tissue and reduce stiffness associated with muscle repair
• Try compression garments
• Take a cold bath, as it could significantly reduce soreness and inflammation for up to 24 hours after exercise.
• Try anti-inflammatories unless you want to build muscle

Additional reading

The above tips are different kind of techniques for muscle recovery. To understand the theory behind these tips and how to use them well, visit: https://www.everydayhealth.com/fitness/post-workout-muscle-recovery-how-why-let-your-muscles-heal/#whatsbestforyou