The Query
Issue 2 (June 2020)
Here is a round-up of my searches for the past month:
What should I do if my girlfriend disagrees with me? 🔍
Background: There was this small fight between a guy and his female friend about which direction a place is at. Looking at this, I wondered, if a girl asked multiple choice questions and disagreed with my choice, what should I do to avoid falling out with her, yet settle on an outcome that is acceptable by the both of us?>>> RESULTS >>>
This article is written from a female's point of view.
- Express gratitude.
Why? Remind him that we have agreed on things before and are on the same team. This allows you to approach your new difference in opinion from a place of unity. - Give him space.
Why? For some, it’s tough to embrace a “team-player” mentality following a disagreement. The disagreement, after all, resulted from the fact that you are unique individuals. Realize the space you’re giving him is space you’re giving yourself. Use it to think about what you’ll do if his initial position doesn’t change. - Re-evaluate the strength of your preference.
Why? If each other's preferences were so strong that no compromises could be made, it may be time to part ways. It does not make sense for the couple to be together anymore. - Stick to your guns.
Why? Everyone's identity is based on their own core values. Resentment would only follow if one were to give up their core value in favour for another's. - Act with grace.
Why? Your partner's position is important to himself too, and should not be undermined. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Don’t lash out. Don’t say things that will undermine the relationship you shared up until this point.
I have problems finding an answer that is written by a male, but I have fortunately come across something that is more neutral, and elucidates the problem of what kind of things couples would find difficulties agreeing on.
Do note that this post I am sharing is for married couples who are with each other for a long period of time, but we can learn a thing or two about how to defuse relationship conflicts from this article.
On marital conflicts
John Gottman, one of the leaders in the field of marriage research, has discovered that the majority of marital conflicts are perpetual. They’re continual and repeated. In fact, 69% of all marital problems fall into this category.
There are many areas in a marriage where you’re simply not going to agree. Here are a few:
- One of you wants to have children (or X number of kids), while the other says they’re not ready, or are happy with the current number of kids.
- One of you wants sex far more frequently than the other.
- You want to raise your children Baptist, while your spouse wants them to be raised Catholic.
- Your spouse is lax about housework and rarely does his or her share until you nag, igniting anger.
- One of you is a saver with money and the other is a spender.
- Or one of you wants to work towards a more simple and minimalist type of life and the other doesn’t.
How to communicate with your partner if both of you do not see eye to eye?
- Respect - this is the important thing that allows you to like each other
Useful note: “Respect is defined as not trying directly or indirectly to change anyone.” -Thomas Fogarty - Clearly define yourself - doing so means you have a deeper awareness and understanding of your beliefs, wants, needs and desires
My opinion: the website does not give a clear reason for this, but I think that in a marriage, taking care of your own needs is as important as taking care of your partner. Marriage and love is a two-way thing, and for couples to grow with each other, one needs to have a good understanding of oneself. - Understand the idea of over-functioning and under-functioning - these are positions that we occupy in response to how we do life. None of us is all one way all the time. We over-function in some areas of life and under-function in others. This is determined by what’s important to you and what you value.
Useful note: by understanding this, you will have more constructive discussions with your partner. - Live by what you hold dear - it means that you can live according to your own integrity and values.
Useful note: getting into a relationship does not mean you have to lose your own individuality. Couples do not need to be in sync with each other all the time, I think that is more like a scripted act instead of a real relationship.
>>> MY TAKE >>>
Basically, what I will do is to ensure the respect is there and allow my partner to have space to share her thoughts on the subject of disagreement. I will seek with her to find out the solution that best fulfills our needs (with some compromises here and there). However, if the argument is on something trivial like our preferences, I will try my best to understand her position but I will not feel obliged to change my mind.
The interesting thing about this topic is that it is more common than we think, and is not just about marital conflicts, these tips apply for all relationships we have. I will recommend Episodes 10-12 of Sakurasou no Pet Kanojo for some inspiration on how to resolve these relationship conflicts (many of these are caused by misunderstandings).
What are the effects/symptoms of sleep deprivation? 🔍
Background: I tried to have no sleep at all for more than 24 hours on the job. I found out that I had develop sore throat and reddened eyes so I was concerned whether these were caused by the lack of sleep. Understanding the symptoms, together with the short-term and long-term effects of sleep deprivation is important because we will know when we need more time to sleep.
>>> RESULTS >>>
An occasional night without sleep makes you feel tired and irritable the next day, but it won't harm your health.After several sleepless nights, the mental effects become more serious. Your brain will fog, making it difficult to concentrate and make decisions. You'll start to feel down, and may fall asleep during the day. Your risk of injury and accidents at home, work and on the road also increases.
Johns Hopkins Medicine: The effects of sleep deprivation
Check out their infographic (the effect highlighted is obesity): https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/-/media/files/health/infographic_sleepdeprivation.ashx?la=en&hash=BFEC7405D1A13CA192186C797152F475D917A116
>>> FOR ME? >>>
So, how about my sore throat and reddened tongue?
For the sore throat, it could be due to a small cold I get from having a lowered immunity when I sleep (inferred from the various effects I have searched up. It is a reasonable explanation - though I do not know for sure - since there are many types of colds and many have mild symptoms such as blocked nose. Not having fever does not necessarily mean your body is well)
As for the reddened tongue, it could be due to a lack of saliva contributing to dry mouth, since it could not be caused by any disease for there was not any red lights in my last medical checkup. More information here: https://www.colgate.com/en-us/oral-health/conditions/dry-mouth/dry-mouth-at-night-how-to-relieve-dry-mouth-discomfort-0913 There is no link between dry mouth and sleep deprivation found, so I should not be too worried about that.
But the moral of the story is clear - from ageing brains to ageing skins, a lack of sleep is detrimental to our health. As such, I must get more sleep, and aim to sleep for at least 7 hours every night.
